Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Really bad sports metaphor

Illinois Congressman John Shimkus (R) used the following metaphor to describe the Iraq spending bill.

"Imagine my beloved St. Louis Cardinals are playing the much despised Chicago Cubs. The Cardinals are up by five finishing the top of the ninth. Is this a cause for celebration? Is this a cause for victory? No. Unbelievable as it may seem, the Cubbies score five runs in the bottom of the ninth to throw the game into extra innings. There the score remains until 1:00 a.m., five innings later. However at the top of the 15th the Cardinals fail to field a batter. The entire team has left the stadium.

It seems that they are more worried about next day's 1:00 p.m. game at home than finishing the game at hand. Who wins? We know, it's the team that stays on the field. Arbitrary deadlines and a date certain accept defeat before the conclusion of the contest. It is our national security interest to continue to take the field and support a moderate Arab state. Leaving prior assures a loss for us and victory for our opponents which will lead to another extremist Islamic state."

A bottom of the ninth turnaround? You've gotta be kidding me. Let me spin this analogy, congressman. . . .

My hometeam, the American Patriots are going up against the Iraqi Martyrs. The Patriots beat the Iraqi team soundly in the last game they played and come in thinking this will be a cake walk. The first couple of innings look to be another shutout but after that, the Martyrs change their tactics. It's like playing a completely different team. A team that plays dirty. A Patriot thinks he's safely sliding into home but gets cleat-sliced by the catcher and is out of the game. A Patriot heading into second gets nailed in the head by a throw and he's out of the game. The ninth inning comes with the game tied and the go into extra innings. The Patriots are getting beat up, loosing players. Sure, they are scoring runs but at a heavy cost. The Martyrs are loosing players as well but new players come out of the stands to take up the bat.

As the game drags into many extra innings, the crowd has changed. What at first were cheering throngs have now turned universally, not against the team who are doing their best in an impossible situation, but against the coach who has failed to see that the game is lost. The coach said this would be easy but the team is being murdered out there. And, wait a minute, weren't we told we were going to be playing in Afghanistan against the Osama Bombers?

And there's the coach, continuing to. . .

You know what? I'm going to stop this right now because the sports metaphor is just too absurd.

Wake up, asshat! This isn't a game. It's a war and it's lost. It was lost a long time ago. Hell, it never should have been started in the first place. If you think going into "extra innings" will somehow generate victory, you are just fucking delusional.

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