Tuesday, April 18, 2006

The big letdown.

I didn't get the job with the Think Tank that was so eagerly anticipated. I'm not sure what feel. I shouldn't take it personally and it shouldn't be surprising if there are more qualified people out there applying for the same positions but they were hiring for six positions. So, out of two-score people they found half a dozen better than I.

So, is it me? Is it something so simple as someone being more qualified or is it something else? Do I seem too eager to leave my current position or am I not eager enough? Does the seven years I've spent with my current employer show loyalty and dedication or does it show a lack of initiative? Was it something I said? Something I didn't say? Was some ugly secret that even I didn't know about turn up in the background check? Did someone not like my beard?

The interview seemed to go well but did I miss something? Some telltale clue in an expression, posture or word that indicates that a decision has been made right there and then? Is there something I could have done? They never tell you why you didn't get the job so you have no real way of knowing if it was something you did or if it was completely out of your hands.

Self-doubt is an ugly, corrosive thing. Despair festers and builds and makes you to think you will never get ahead. It steals your dreams and leaves you with only ague hopes of getting something that is only marginally better than what you have now because the big steps are just too far. Beyond your reach.

In my mind, I know I'm better than that. But my heart keeps getting stabbed with disappointment.

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